Current mood:

annoyed

Bleh
Geez I hate relationships. At the same time, I do like them. What I mean is that I hate the fact that they're tough. The older I get, the less likely it seems that I even want to get married....in the sense that it seems more likely that my ideal guy just doesn't exist. Should I settle? No, because that's worse.

I know someone close to me who I think recently settled and got married, and that is just a train wreck that's going to explode someday. People get so weird in relationships - possessive and jealous, and on the other end of the spectrum they start to feel that they're losing their identity by being emotionally close to another person. It's this huge jumbly mess. It feels like marriage and monogamy are these ideals that people feel trained to want, but that no one is mature enough to handle. People cheat on partners, etc. Which I've never understood

I was talking about cheating with my friend Megan the other day, and how we both don't understand it. It's an action, a choice. We both get pissed off when we read things about "it just happened." Nothing just happens - it's a conscious choice to do something that you know is immoral, that you know is going to mess up your life and the person you're in a relationship in. If you don't feel emotionally connected to the person you're with, or satisfied, just break up with them. Cheating on them isn't going to solve the problem, and it's extremely rare to stay with someone who you've cheated on. There's an article right now on CNN about reasons men cheat - I think they're basically the same reasons why women cheat. You don't feel connected to the person emotionally, you feel you can't do anything right for them, etc. So you search out for someone who sees you for you, who makes you feel amazing and special. Not someone who makes you feel like you left your dirty socks on the floor or something. Cheating usually involves looking for the emotional high you experience at the beginning of any relationship. I just don't understand why people think it's a good idea, but Megan says I'm hyperlogical and that I have trouble understandng people's actions. Peoples' actions? I'm too tired and pissed off for grammar right now.

And then there are the needs people have in a relationship - they're all different. And then balancing those needs with life demands - school, career, family. It's like we're running a system in Western Culture to demolish monogamy because of the daily demands of life and ambition. Right now I'm dating a guy I really like...but he's really busy with law school, and it's been two weeks since I've seen him. This pisses me off. He also doesn't have time for me in general - more pissed offness on my part. Which leads me to think about relationship blunders I've made, and what it is exactly that I want from a relationship.

Relationship Blunder #1:
The guy just doesn't have the time or emotional energy for a relationship

Yup, I've made this one a few times. I just sacrifice whatever I want for the schedule and school/career goals of a guy. In effect, it's really that I was never really important or first in the guy's priorities in the first place. There is a certain amount of give that should be given to someone's needs per school or a job, but not when it means that the person can't call you, come see you, or be emotionally in the relationship. I'm in general not used to getting attention, and it's not something I like. The problem is that sometimes I do in fact like attention - the flowers and nice notes and dinner and eager looks in the eyes, and knowing a guy misses you, phone calls etc. However, I have to face the reality that guys who do these nice things are either already married or not interested in me.

I'm pissed off at myself that I used to be a huge feminazi who got miffed when her guy friends opened doors for her - now I actually feel like I wouldn't mind a guy paying for my dinner or giving me flowers or a present or something. I'm tired of making dinner for a guy, buying him presents, etc, and never getting anything in return. Or pissing a guy off for asking for those things gently. I really did do it gently once! And was told it's too mushy, they don't have time.

I think I'm just frustrated with guys in general, but I'm also miffed at stupid women. Who don't appreciate nice guys, are interested in paychecks, $20,000 engagement rings, etc. Oh yes, and big weddings. I hate big weddings. The idea and act of two people joining their lives together oftentimes gets reduced to arguments over floral arrangements and tens of thousands of dollars spent on a matter of hours. I don't understand it. I can see wanting to have a nice wedding, but not taking out loans for one. I'd rather spend that on the downpayment of a house. And I have seen some big big bridezilla action, about the perfect day, the idea that a woman has been waiting her entire life for her wedding day, and that just makes me want to puke. Getting married is a beautiful thing, but it's the first step in a challenging road of combining love and elbow grease. Most girls today see it as a chance to dress up as a princess for a day and act like a dictator to their friends, families, and fiancees.

And then there are the peopel who already are married who are quite miserable. For instance, the parents of your friends who obviously are no longer in love but stay married, who like but don't love each other or vice versa, who fight, complain, and are in general so changed over the years that the relationship just no longer works. But they stay married, even though they're unhappy. I just don't get that. Or the people who cheat on their spouses, go back to their spouses to make the relationship work even though they don't love their partner - but they stay together "for the kids." I think the dumbest decisions people make are those related to marriage, either getting into or staying in a relationship. The narcissism that people exhibit also annoys me - women staying with men for money (because they never worked to get their own education or career OR are terrified of being on their own), men who openly cheat on their wives because they want younger girls to play with, women who cheat on their husbands for younger men, or older men - any and all possible combinations. And the way that they think they're entitled to it also just blows my mind. The way that people make vows and then break them by cheating. Again, Megan just says I'm hyperlogical and I don't get it. But both of us are positive that we'd never put ourselves in that sort of situation - we'd break up with someone or end the relationship first. Even if I had a horrible husband, I'd never cause someone the pain of cheating on them - and most relationships or marriages that do end or don't work out fail because people change over the years, or had problems going into the relationship itself that they never worked on (themselves) or in the relationship itself.

So it looks like I'm going to be adopting a baby at about 38, when I've truly given up on finding an awesome guy.

What do I want that's so impossible to find? Someone who is as smart as I am, who likes to read a lot, who is optimistic and kind, and who looks at life as a fun challenge, not as a dark unending horror movie. Who likes cats and wants kids. A nerd, basically. Such specimens however, are already married, gay, or unfindable. Or they want bimbos or something.

So why even bother looking for the proverbial needle in a haystack? Because the idea of finding someone - a nice guy - who will cherish you and giggle when you fall down a flight of stairs or desperately want a hello kitty doll, or go over physics with you at 3am just because it's cool - that sort of ideal dream and the possibility that it could happen to you is so good that you'll risk all the stupidity that goes along with trying to find that golden needle. Someone who would take two steps at a time to come upstairs and see you if you were cleaning out the attic - the cute guy in the movies that all girls sigh over, who in reality doesn't exist because men and women inherently want different things from relationship and have completely different emotional needs. The challenge is trying to balance those needs and compromise. But most people don't think about it that way, they look at marriage as the beginning of a fairy tale - it isn't. Marriages can last 50 years and have 15 bad years, for instance. Is it worth it then? I have no idea. Hopefully I'll marry someone who is open to talking about problems and working them out to achieve the maxinum number of happy years, a gamble of finding someone who will change in a course similar to the way that I will change and vice versa. The odds of finding this for anyone are astronomically small. And yet we still keep on trying.

I've found in life that just when I'm tired out the most and am about to just give up on hoping for something, it sometimes just appears. I think though that this might be different than most things I've wanted in the past. But I like being alone...I like living alone...I don't want to open up emotionally to someone else and risk getting hurt. It's so horrid being human - these ambiguous emotions - of liking sleeping alone with my cats and not having to worry that the guy sleeping next to me might fall out of love with me - and yet wanting a guy there at all - it's so annoying. I'm used to single moms, so I'm used to the idea of raising kids alone and having your own house, without the interference or sharing the burdens with a husband. I don't want to fall in love with a guy and risk getting hurt, putting in the effort to be all starry eyed and end up getting stabbed in the back or losing interest on either side. I'd rather just have fun flings where I can kick a guy out when I get sick of him and not open myself up at all. I've turned into a logical Vulcan. Great.