I · wish · my · life · were · a · walk · in · the · park:

Geez I hate relationships. At the same time, I do like them. What I mean is that I hate the fact that they're tough. The older I get, the less likely it seems that I even want to get married....in the sense that it seems more likely that my ideal guy just doesn't exist. Should I settle? No, because that's worse.

I know someone close to me who I think recently settled and got married, and that is just a train wreck that's going to explode someday. People get so weird in relationships - possessive and jealous, and on the other end of the spectrum they start to feel that they're losing their identity by being emotionally close to another person. It's this huge jumbly mess. It feels like marriage and monogamy are these ideals that people feel trained to want, but that no one is mature enough to handle. People cheat on partners, etc. Which I've never understood

I was talking about cheating with my friend Megan the other day, and how we both don't understand it. It's an action, a choice. We both get pissed off when we read things about "it just happened." Nothing just happens - it's a conscious choice to do something that you know is immoral, that you know is going to mess up your life and the person you're in a relationship in. If you don't feel emotionally connected to the person you're with, or satisfied, just break up with them. Cheating on them isn't going to solve the problem, and it's extremely rare to stay with someone who you've cheated on. There's an article right now on CNN about reasons men cheat - I think they're basically the same reasons why women cheat. You don't feel connected to the person emotionally, you feel you can't do anything right for them, etc. So you search out for someone who sees you for you, who makes you feel amazing and special. Not someone who makes you feel like you left your dirty socks on the floor or something. Cheating usually involves looking for the emotional high you experience at the beginning of any relationship. I just don't understand why people think it's a good idea, but Megan says I'm hyperlogical and that I have trouble understandng people's actions. Peoples' actions? I'm too tired and pissed off for grammar right now.

And then there are the needs people have in a relationship - they're all different. And then balancing those needs with life demands - school, career, family. It's like we're running a system in Western Culture to demolish monogamy because of the daily demands of life and ambition. Right now I'm dating a guy I really like...but he's really busy with law school, and it's been two weeks since I've seen him. This pisses me off. He also doesn't have time for me in general - more pissed offness on my part. Which leads me to think about relationship blunders I've made, and what it is exactly that I want from a relationship.

Relationship Blunder #1:
The guy just doesn't have the time or emotional energy for a relationship

Yup, I've made this one a few times. I just sacrifice whatever I want for the schedule and school/career goals of a guy. In effect, it's really that I was never really important or first in the guy's priorities in the first place. There is a certain amount of give that should be given to someone's needs per school or a job, but not when it means that the person can't call you, come see you, or be emotionally in the relationship. I'm in general not used to getting attention, and it's not something I like. The problem is that sometimes I do in fact like attention - the flowers and nice notes and dinner and eager looks in the eyes, and knowing a guy misses you, phone calls etc. However, I have to face the reality that guys who do these nice things are either already married or not interested in me.

I'm pissed off at myself that I used to be a huge feminazi who got miffed when her guy friends opened doors for her - now I actually feel like I wouldn't mind a guy paying for my dinner or giving me flowers or a present or something. I'm tired of making dinner for a guy, buying him presents, etc, and never getting anything in return. Or pissing a guy off for asking for those things gently. I really did do it gently once! And was told it's too mushy, they don't have time.

I think I'm just frustrated with guys in general, but I'm also miffed at stupid women. Who don't appreciate nice guys, are interested in paychecks, $20,000 engagement rings, etc. Oh yes, and big weddings. I hate big weddings. The idea and act of two people joining their lives together oftentimes gets reduced to arguments over floral arrangements and tens of thousands of dollars spent on a matter of hours. I don't understand it. I can see wanting to have a nice wedding, but not taking out loans for one. I'd rather spend that on the downpayment of a house. And I have seen some big big bridezilla action, about the perfect day, the idea that a woman has been waiting her entire life for her wedding day, and that just makes me want to puke. Getting married is a beautiful thing, but it's the first step in a challenging road of combining love and elbow grease. Most girls today see it as a chance to dress up as a princess for a day and act like a dictator to their friends, families, and fiancees.

And then there are the peopel who already are married who are quite miserable. For instance, the parents of your friends who obviously are no longer in love but stay married, who like but don't love each other or vice versa, who fight, complain, and are in general so changed over the years that the relationship just no longer works. But they stay married, even though they're unhappy. I just don't get that. Or the people who cheat on their spouses, go back to their spouses to make the relationship work even though they don't love their partner - but they stay together "for the kids." I think the dumbest decisions people make are those related to marriage, either getting into or staying in a relationship. The narcissism that people exhibit also annoys me - women staying with men for money (because they never worked to get their own education or career OR are terrified of being on their own), men who openly cheat on their wives because they want younger girls to play with, women who cheat on their husbands for younger men, or older men - any and all possible combinations. And the way that they think they're entitled to it also just blows my mind. The way that people make vows and then break them by cheating. Again, Megan just says I'm hyperlogical and I don't get it. But both of us are positive that we'd never put ourselves in that sort of situation - we'd break up with someone or end the relationship first. Even if I had a horrible husband, I'd never cause someone the pain of cheating on them - and most relationships or marriages that do end or don't work out fail because people change over the years, or had problems going into the relationship itself that they never worked on (themselves) or in the relationship itself.

So it looks like I'm going to be adopting a baby at about 38, when I've truly given up on finding an awesome guy.

What do I want that's so impossible to find? Someone who is as smart as I am, who likes to read a lot, who is optimistic and kind, and who looks at life as a fun challenge, not as a dark unending horror movie. Who likes cats and wants kids. A nerd, basically. Such specimens however, are already married, gay, or unfindable. Or they want bimbos or something.

So why even bother looking for the proverbial needle in a haystack? Because the idea of finding someone - a nice guy - who will cherish you and giggle when you fall down a flight of stairs or desperately want a hello kitty doll, or go over physics with you at 3am just because it's cool - that sort of ideal dream and the possibility that it could happen to you is so good that you'll risk all the stupidity that goes along with trying to find that golden needle. Someone who would take two steps at a time to come upstairs and see you if you were cleaning out the attic - the cute guy in the movies that all girls sigh over, who in reality doesn't exist because men and women inherently want different things from relationship and have completely different emotional needs. The challenge is trying to balance those needs and compromise. But most people don't think about it that way, they look at marriage as the beginning of a fairy tale - it isn't. Marriages can last 50 years and have 15 bad years, for instance. Is it worth it then? I have no idea. Hopefully I'll marry someone who is open to talking about problems and working them out to achieve the maxinum number of happy years, a gamble of finding someone who will change in a course similar to the way that I will change and vice versa. The odds of finding this for anyone are astronomically small. And yet we still keep on trying.

I've found in life that just when I'm tired out the most and am about to just give up on hoping for something, it sometimes just appears. I think though that this might be different than most things I've wanted in the past. But I like being alone...I like living alone...I don't want to open up emotionally to someone else and risk getting hurt. It's so horrid being human - these ambiguous emotions - of liking sleeping alone with my cats and not having to worry that the guy sleeping next to me might fall out of love with me - and yet wanting a guy there at all - it's so annoying. I'm used to single moms, so I'm used to the idea of raising kids alone and having your own house, without the interference or sharing the burdens with a husband. I don't want to fall in love with a guy and risk getting hurt, putting in the effort to be all starry eyed and end up getting stabbed in the back or losing interest on either side. I'd rather just have fun flings where I can kick a guy out when I get sick of him and not open myself up at all. I've turned into a logical Vulcan. Great.

Well, besides watching a hell of a lot of anime and J-drama (Japanese drama shows - omg fantastic!!) I've seriously started exploring cooking Japanese cuisine.

This morning I woke up ravenous, and figured I was up early so I might as well cook something rather than just eat toast and cereal. Something wholesome. The idea of eggs on rice seemed very yummy, so I did a bit of googling and found tamago ake gohan which is egg on rice. After watching the following educational video on YouTube I decided to mix some regular ol' Heinz ketchup, and I added in mirin (rice vinegar for cooking) and some soy sauce (low sodium!)

I used my handy dandy rice cooker to make my gohan (rice): 

Yes - I bought a Japanese rice cooker, shipped in from Japan (I love you ebay!) - it's the best $120 I've ever spent...the smell of freshly cooked rice is absolutely delicious. I use short grain Japonica rice, from Katagiri (a Japanese supermarket about 10 blocks from my apt).  It's a lot healthier than rice normally used in Western cooking (it's sticky) and I absolutely love it. Here's what some leftover rice looks life after being cooked:   

I've also been experimenting with miso soup, actually buying the perishable paste and cooking it in daishi stock with veggies. Japan is a very seasonal country, and every season therefore has a different kind of miso soup that is appropriate, besides of course regional variations. There are basically two kinds of miso - red and white. Right now I'm favoring the red miso, but who knows, that may very well change as I cook more!

Here's my tamago ake gohan (notice the kawaii owl chopsticks!): 

I also bought a summer tea called mugicha that's served chilled - I made a huge ass pitcher of it, and added a little bit of sugar, even though real adults in Japan drink it unsweetend...buy hey...I'm not grown up yet, ne?? It's basically an herbal tea with barley, so it hasn't any caffeine and is supposed to be very good for you. It at first sort of tastes like normal iced tea (which I only started to like recently) but it has an aftertaste that is just - it tastes kind of like bread I think, but then it turns into a sort of refreshing delicious sensation on your tongue. I really don't know how to describe this tea, except that after every single gulp there is this amazing sensation of flavor! Here's the box from the tea, as well as "coffee milk" powder, which I couldn't resist buying because of the cow-san on the box (if I ever do get to go to Japan, I'm going to go broke really fast because everything they make has cute cartoons on it!):
  

Right - so that's what's cooking! I've also made udon noodles with chicken (frozen udon, I'm defintely not up to making noodles from scratch yet) as well as Japanese curry chicken, which is just out of this world. It's sweeter than Indian curry, and I think I could literally eat it every day forever. You actually put sugar in the curry - well, I do at least. I'm still not very good with spicy, and I chose the mild version; it does go from mild to super hot, so I decided to start slow.

Oishi! (delicious) - and yay iphone camera too. The next thing I want to tackle is to get a donburi pot - a clay pot in which you cook rice. Supposedly this yields the most delicious rice, with a nice little crust on the top, and is excellent for making nabe mono dishes, or one pot dishes, for winter.

My friend Megan says that my worst faults are that I don't have enough confidence, and that I don't forgive myself.

I suppose it's true. I'm working on one of those faults - the former. If I ever do the latter, I risk hurting someone again - no idea who, but I need to remember so that I don't ever make the same mistake twice.

I've also learned how important it is to forgive other people, no matter what. I suppose that's the biggest lesson I've learned in the past several months. I will always, always offer my forgiveness and friendship, because I know how it feels to have that revoked. I'll never do that to someone - to anyone - ever. No matter what they do, I'll work it out. Maybe that's how we learn - we never do to others what's hurt us a great deal. I'd say broken our hearts - but mine is healing just fine. With a bit of punctuated equilibrium to be truthful, to use an evolutionary metaphor.

The best thing I've ever done in my life is adopt my kittens. I knew I wanted cats but I never could have imagined how rewarding it is to raise little animals. And really, I've got the best kitties in the world. They sleep with me on my bed every night, they have hilarious fights with each other, and then start grooming and end up in a pile of sleeping orange paws and pink noses. I really want a dog too! Probably a brown Lab, someday. I know Sherlock and Bartlett would definitely love a doggie brother; they get along with other cats so well, and are so sweet and mischevous and fun loving.

I'll be volunteering at the Central Park Ambulance Corps soon, and making a difference, saving lives. It doesn't feel right to live everyday without doing something right, doing something to make the world a better place. I'm so so glad I'll be back to doing that soon enough; I feel life is so empty without it.

Megan recently went to Africa - I dunno - ever since I was a little kid I've wanted to go to Olduvai Gorge, where a great deal of protohuman skeletons have been found. Africa is where humans evolved. We're really meant for savannahs, rather than concrete. I really want to do Doctors Without Borders someday, if I do make it to med school. And I'd love to go to Africa - when something as simple as a vaccine can make the difference between life and death, I can't think of anything more important than to make that small difference, ease such great suffering. Such suffering is all over the world though - and there are children in the US who don't receive proper vaccinations, or who even die from hunger. I'm not sure how besides medicine, but I so badly want to make a difference in helping to ease such problems. How can there be such huge enormous wealth and poverty so close together? It almost makes me yearn for communism, except of course that system never works. When will humanity be able to provide basic needs for all of the Earth's inhabitants?

Back from digression, I suppose that's the greatest fault of the human species; allowing suffering when we're all brothers and sisters. Moreso than allowing, indifference is even worse. I truly wonder if enough caring and enough hard work can turn things around. No one should ever have to go to bed hungry, sick, or hopeless.

Bleh. So tired. Time to curl up with my kittehs- they're already fast asleep next to me. Sigh. I suppose I'm 90% better - only time and diplomas will get me the other 10%. I have to make that 10% on my own, and it will take years. I hope I end up being who I dream of becoming. That would get rid of one of my worst faults; the other one I don't think I want to let go of. It's helped me to learn how important it is to forgive others - and if I forgive myself, I'm scared I run the risk of hurting a friend again.

Tonight I went to see the new Narnia movie (Prince Caspian) with one of my British friends, out at the Palisaides Mall because he's visiting the US on business.

The movie took pretty big liberties as far as keeping the plot true to the books, but I still liked it. I got to be in Narnia for a while, and I LOVED Susan's dress at the end. Even though I'm more of a Lucy.

The similarities between CS Lewis' Narnia and Tolkien's LOTR are not surprising, considering that they were friends and contemporaries, and they both are worlds that I really like. I'm so sleepy! But happy!

Driving over the Tappan Zee on the way back, the moon was yellow and sickle and was just above the horizon over the lights on the bridge - it was absolutely beautiful. I suppose it's this world's version of Cair Paravel or Rivendell - well, maybe more the Shire. It was just absolutely breathtaking - it was like a present for toughing things out for so long. Seeing the stars and the moon so beautiful tonight - almost touchable and  seemingly so close just absolutely made my night, week, month, year. It's been quite a time for me for a few months, and I feel that everything Amy and the rest of my friends have been saying - hold on, hold on, i'll be ok, it's worth it - just seeing something so beautiful late at night tonight totally made all of the hard times worth it.

There is something special about seeing the moon and stars late at night when no one is really out...it's uncommon, everyone is sleeping, yet you get to see something out of the ordinary that reminds you not only that everything is going to be ok and that things will pass through all right somehow, but you also get the feeling of being part of something bigger and unfathomable - I don't expect to be able to write with any accuracy how it feels to look at a beautiful moon and stars when poets and writers have attempted to do so for millenia. Suffice to say, it warmed me inside and out to my soul, seemingly. It was just a wonderful wonderful treat!

I suppose I sound pretty silly, but I always tend to think that being able to see a beautiful tree in sunlight or a deer crossing a road, anything special and simple and related to nature - or even people being kind to one another in any situation - makes me feel wonderful about the world and so good inside. It's like a present every day. I don't care if it sounds silly to anyone, it's damned meaningful to me!

I never pay enough attention to the big picture. I get caught up in details, and I get caught up in how I feel in the moment - I don't always look at all the things that shape me. I've always had scorn and anger for the idea that you go through horrible stuff to get to the good times, to know and appreciate the good times. That old cliche that you have to know tears to know joy. Even the words in that sentence are trite and overdramatic. It pisses me off. It sounds like horrible teenage poetry written about a crush who ignores you who isn't worth half your pinky.

Am I all healed?I don't know. Fiction makes me think, it makes me wonder. I've always escaped into it and lived in books and ideas because I couldn't properly build my own world. I had to hit rock bottom to learn I had to build my own world. I've started, and I think I've made really awesome and amazing progress in the past several months. I've had my failures, my nights crying, reading too late into the night both fiction and nonfiction. Wishing I was born 100 years ago, 500 years from now.

But for the first time ever, I really really think and feel - but then I wouldn't be me. And I wan to be me. I don't want to be anyone else. I don't want to be the corporate woman earning millions of dollars who neglects vows and family. I don't want to be someone who only knows what success is, someone who has always gone from one good point to another, carefully guiding their way to avoid failure and avoid what they're not good at. Someone who refuses to play softball with their friends because they're not good at it. Someone who finds the love of their life at 16 or 21. Someone who is grandly successful at a young age, saving the rest of their life to when their fortune is made, telling themselves that enjoying a life outside work can wait - there's ambitions to be met, money to be made, reputations to be built - I'm never going to be that person. I'm not the person who has a bank account that's startling in its excess, a grand home, or power in a community of suit wearing, expensive car driving, name dropping executives. Those things didn't happen to me. And things I didn't try to achieve - they held no interest for me, no depth. I have to find things and do things the hard way. I was lucky enough to be born in one of the most developed nations in the world, to never know real hunger. But I've known other things, terrifying things. I know what it's like to feel - utterly destructed - as a child. And as a teenager, and an adult. I'm sure I'll feel those things again. Everyone does. Some of us take it harder than others, some of us take longer to heal.

Maybe healing takes a whole life, and as we get new hurts, we keep on needing more bandages.

I'm starting to look at the bigger picture. Sure, it's related to a silly piece of fiction. But maybe for the first time, I'm seriously applying to myself. Meredith got whole. God it was hard for her. It was unfair, and cruel. She's the character I identify most with. And it's not too silly - people have compared themselves to fictional characters for ages. To Hamlet, or Elizabeth Bennett, Menelaus, Jesus, Buddha, etc etc. Some of those folks might have existed, but their legend and mythical nature have outstripped the messy bits of life that they really experienced, in my opinion. I'm a bit too scientific for divine intervention, but I don't think anything is a coincidence. And I believe in miracles as a wonderful slight of probability. But anyway, I'm digressing.

It doesn't matter what I've achieved by 25. Or 27. I have 60 more years to live out a decent life. The question I have to answer and live, is what is extraordinary for me? We're all repeating our parents' mistakes, and mistakes that we've seen for generations past. For instance, how do es one avoid those mistakes? If we know someone who made a mistake - whether it be moral (fidelity, business, etc etc) how do we avoid doing so in our own life - how do we gain the strength to look at our actions and see our faults and flaws and admit we've done wrong? If we know that success brings corruption and moral depravity, how do we reach for virtue and live a moral life?

Something that shattered me in the past year was the idea of someone I loved doing something immoral. Added on to that were my own losses. And dealing with the amazingly - seemingly adolescent - idea that there are no consequences for some wrongdoings. No one admits it, gets punished, even to themselves, that they did something wrong. They find excuses, reasons. No one takes responsibility, or blame. People go on with life, thinking they're richer and better and more honest for doing something wrong rather than feeling ashamed - that somehow they can create a justification for whatever they do as not too wrong, too bad, too anything other than somehow concluding that they chose a path that enriched their life rather than detracting from their very soul. I couldn't handle that. Perhaps I'll never be able to fully understand that sometimes good people do bad things. And that to me, they get away with it. I just don't get that.

So what is extraordinary for me? What makes me extraordinary now, before I even start trying to figure out what I should be doing?

Well first off, I read more than anyone I know. And I can go to a club and be perfectly happy by myself, without dancing with a guy - I don't need anyone to have a good time, to feel pretty or sexy or whole. I just need myself. I'll never compromise love or morals for money or my career. Ever. I know I could be happy with a cabin and my cats and books. I know I want to dedicate my whole life to helping others. I want to find a love - real love - that lasts a lifetime. I want the sort of marriage where even though our bodies are broken and old and falling apart, we can still laugh and love each other. Maybe it's impossible, but it's extraordinary, and it's what I want.

I want the mistakes I've made and the failures that I've had to be another picture - heh - or thread in the tapestry of my life. Another cliche! And such a nerdy source too. But my life would unravel if I were to pull at the loose threads that I so hate, my mistakes and poor choices and actions that I'm so ashamed of. It's good that I'm ashamed and upset with myself for things I've done to hurt people I love, poor choices I've made. As long as I can feel that hurt, I know I'm going in the right direction. I want to look back on my life and see that those loose threads are hurtful, but they had to be there to lead to the neater stitches up ahead, the ones that I can look at with pride and hope.

Oh it's so trite and cliche - a young person who is trying her best to succeed in all aspects of her life - but I will always always value my books and fiction and history and dreams more than the real world. More than my bank account. I'd drop my bank account for a dream. And that's who I am, and dammit I'm proud of it. I live in a conspicuous consumption obsessed culture, and I'll reject it all for what i consider real and true. But that doesn't mean I can't exist in both worlds happily - and have a decent bank account, a solid career, and a sound and admirable education. I have to learn to balance both worlds. And I'm all the richer of a person for having access to both worlds, for being a dreamer. I'm not a do-er. And I'm proud of it - I can't list accomplishments as much as I can list the people whom I love and my dreams and thoughts. And I love that. I'm not interested as much as the car I'll buy next or the size of the house I'll live in as much as the books I've read, my character, my morals, and how I treat the people I love. And my honor.

So I have to figure out both how to be extraordinary - for me - and also appreciate how I already am extraordinary. That's my healing. I'll get there. I just take longer than everyone else, but I get there. And the experiences I have along the way will make me a better person, a more nurturing mother, hopefully a better doctor, and most of all will add a depth to my life that would be absent if I were to compromise my morals or my dreams.

So corny. But actually what's more corny is becoming a corporate slave - I'll take the cliche that looks most real.

How do I know my kitties are my little ickle orange fluffballs? Let me count the ways:

• They make noises in their sleep, which apparently I do
• They love to sleep
• They have brown eyes
• Sherlock is left pawed, waiting to see what Bartlett is
• They love food and to eat
• They love napping in the sun

Seriously though, I can't believe how awesome it is to have pets. The best part is when they stay with me at night and make little noises, and when they get most comfortable there is that kitty sigh while they're sleeping and stretch out, replete.

In other news. I still hate the wage economy. I don't like a system where people spend more time at jobs than with their loved ones. Seriously, take away the lines and borders and really think about how the working world is arranged...people wonder why kids are getting into more violent trouble (although perhaps just more reported) and marriages etc are falling apart. If you don't see your family, then of course those relationships are going to fall apart.

I was talking online today to a friend from high school who is getting ready to apply to grad school, and feels he's just doing all of this too late, etc. We're in our twenties for goodness sake!! Some people get degrees or switch careers in their 40's and later. Why is life in our society all about how early you accomplish everything? Well, mostly money and education. What does it mean to have a degree - I know people who went to top schools but don't have any time now to read books or learn anything. And people who wen to college and have doctorates who only know about their subject and don't enrich their lives with knowledge at all. Is that an education? I thought an education was something you pursue your whole life, and you garnish it, so to speak, with life experiences. So many people I know are "well educated" in that they have been to years and years of school, but they at this point have completely eliminated any kind of learning from their lives - they have no time. It's sad. We are living in the most literary time in history, I suppose you would call it, yet no one has time to take advantage of the wealth of books available!!

I'm sooo happy Spring is coming. I love that the sun is out later and later, it's so nice. Now if the weather could just get warmer, I'm totally ready for some Central Park picnics!!

Come on 2008, be good!! :)

Well - so far 2008 is working out very nicely! I took a job offer yesterday, for a job paying considerably more than my last one. It's in the profit-corporate world, but so far all the people in the office I met are extremely nice!!!!

There are actually cats that live in the office - two - on my floor! And one of my bosses after teasing me after googling me and finding "Puffin" from Leaky admitted to being a huge Buffy fan!

Things are looking so much better...it's - well - scary.

I'm sort of seeing a guy - and wondering if I should just stop seeing him, even though I really like him and he really likes me, as a preemtive strike so that I don't get hurt. I don't have much confidence in guys, and I'm terrified to trust a guy as far as dating. I just don't think most guys are encultured to be mature - this is obviously from my last dating experience. I'm no expert of maturity, but I wouldn't do certain things...

I feel like I should just pull out before I feel anything deeper or risk the chance of getting hurt. I've actually turned into *that* girl. But I wonder at my judgment regarding character - because it seems that people who I think are moral turn out not to be. At least, to my standards of morality, which are not very flexible.

I also don't want to end up making mistakes again and losing someone important to me. My mistake was being very angry and not controlling what I was saying. And as a result, someone who was really important to me hates me forever. I don't want that to happen ever again.

Kittens make life so much better. Their cuddly, gentle, affectionate ways and their quirkiness just makes every day a little bit different and so much more fulfilling.

They're a lot bigger now - still obviously kittens, but more like cats in a lot of ways. They still always look for each other, as they're brothers from the same litter and are still super attached to each other - they give each other nose kissies when they pass each other and call each other ("mew!" means "come here bro!').

Right now Bartlett is sitting with me curled up into a little circle, with his head resting on his front paws and his tail. He's breathing slowly, and his little eyes are closed in slits. Their tails look like orange and white candy canes! I think Sherlock is looking for mischief which he always finds. Their latest thing is to push pens off of desks and swat them around on the floor to play some kind of hockey, only they won't let me in on the exact rules of their version.

Sherlock likes to sit on my head and lick my hair, and Bartlett needs to hold my arm in his paws at night. They have me trained well - if I'm up too late, they jump on my bed and look at me, meaning, "Turn off the light!" Then as soon as the light is off, they get into their sleeping positions (first turning around a few times in a circle before dropping down on my bed; Bartlett near my tummy, Sherlock behind my knees). People say that cats are aloof or not affectionate, and I don't know if that is correct about a few or a majority of cats, but my boys are so affectionate! They purr as soon as they jump onto a lap or onto a bed or couch. They also talk if you call their names - "mew?" "myaaaa" "nyarrrrr" and "prrrrrrrtttttmewwwww" are some sample words. They also definitely communicate with each other via body language - it's really fascinating.

Why is it ok for people to have 2 or 3 dogs but 2 or 3 cats means you're eccentric? I want to have a dog someday too, when I have enough space for it - there was a lovely doggie at the SPCA when they got their last round of shots and microchips a couple of weeks ago, he was tall and had wonderful eyes that had so much intelligence - I think he was a mix of a huskie and - something - he had been found on the road and the people who found him wanted to adopt him. Normally I think I wouldn't want to walk a dog everyday especially in extreme heat or cold, but for such a smart and just - awesome acting pup like the one I saw, I'd get up to walk him and exercise him whenever he needs or wants!

It's so funny - I didn't have any pets growing up, and I can't imagine now a life without pets, and I definitely want to raise my kids with pets. And I never thought I'd want a dog, but I feel now that it would be great to have a doggy, now that I have my kitties. Oh well, all in good time.

I don't think I would have gotten through a bunch of really hard stuff in the past few months without these two little kitties. I'm barely getting through as it is...sigh.

Quoting from "Beauty and the Beast" with my friend Bonnie online, I realized that there are only three human male characters that are worthwhile and two non-human characters in animated Disney films. Almost all the male love interests in Disney movies are good looking and quiet and their personalities are mainly imagined by the female heroine.

But really think about it - let's examine these men who created an ideology for young girls to think about the perfect dream man and love, etc, and a happy ending:

"Snow White" - You see the prince maybe twice in the movie. We know the Dwarves are awesome, the Queen is awful, the Mirror is brilliant, and Snow White is very kind.

"Sleeping Beauty" - Well, he can hunt dragons and go through thorn forests, but besides being super strong and valiant in fighting, nothing else is said about him.

"Cinderella" - Again, we know Cinderella has faced awful hardships, physical abuse - hell, possibly even sexual abuse from the weird dominatrix Stepmother - but we only know that the prince is handsome and can dance well.

"The Little Mermaid" - Ariel is awesome, but the prince just likes the sea. That's it. Ariel only falls for Prince Eric because she wants to live in the human world. Ariel's just a groupie.

"Beauty and The Beast" - Soooo Belle falls in love with an emotionally abusive beast...and then lives happily ever after? True, we see more character development in the Beast than in any previous Disney male love object, but he only becomes kind after being transformed into "a hideous beast" and left alone with servants for 10 years in an isolated castle. Where were his parents?!

"Peter Pan" - Self explanatory.

"Pochahontas" - John Smith is more interesting, and he does rid himself of European ideals of superiority, but all we know about him is that he doesn't like to be tied down and has basically committed cultural genocide by forcing indigenous societies to take up Christianity and his culture's ideals of "using land." He also doesn't have the balls to see Pochahontas in public or tell anyone about their make-out sessions - if he really cared about her, wouldn't he have told someone about their little meetings in the corn fields? Grandmother Willow just wanted to live vicariously through Pocahontas too, as her sap rarely ever boiled anymore.

"Hunchback of Notre Dame" - Esmerelda really just wants a sugar daddy protector after a tough life as a gypsy.

........the winners:

"Aladdin" - He keeps one step ahead of the breadline, is a diamond in the rough, has beautiful big brown puppy eyes, doesn't wear a shirt for most of the movie, has a cute monkey friend AND goes against cultural norms. My favorite! Seriously, Aladdin is capable of living in his society and seeing its flaws and difficulties. While he wants to be rich and win the princess, he is disillusioned by the inequity in Akrabah and Princess Jasmine's forced role as a figurehead princess who isn't allowed to make her own choices. Despite no formal education, living off of scraps, and having a pretty miserable life, Aladdin still possesses the intelligence and insight to understand not only his own precarious position in society, but also to sympathize and appreciate Princess Jasmine's gilded cage. Aladdin is also deliciously human and flawed, making mistakes (not telling Jasmine who he really was) and takes responsibility for lying to Jasmine. His nerves when telling the Princess she's "punctual" still cracks me up over a decade after seeing the movie. You know that with Aladdin, every day will be an adventure. And when push comes to shove, he always does the right and moral thing no matter what. He consistently puts himself in danger for the people, animals, rugs, and genies who he loves. All in all,  he's not selfish and knows how lucky he is - even though he might long for the palace, he does have the best things in life - friendship, loyalty, morals, love, freedom, individualism, selflessness, and a great view. You know he's going to be a great dad and how could you not want to grow old with him?!

"Mulan" - Ling starts out tall, proud, arrogant, strong...shirtless....and proceeds to let himself be bested by a woman, namely Mulan, in an age and society where most women had no social status at all. He is capable of admitting when he's wrong, and recognized that you don't find a girl like Mulan every dynasty. He followed Mulan home and respected her as a strategist and warrior. He might be the most mature and manly Disney character ever made.

"Atlantis" - All right, Milo is definitely cool. But he's not really hunky, despite his awesome nerdness. Aw hell, he gets a vote as a nice, snuggly, safe bookworm who will cuddle you while watching the History channel and make you pancakes for breakfast.

"The Lion King" - Simba is hot. You see him go through huge personal development - I mean, he saw his dad killed in front of him, and he grows up in a bachelor pad with Timone and Pumba and still manages to wow Nala. And most of all, he lives up to all of his responsibilities in the end.

"The Lady and the Tramp" - How can you refuse a Tramp who is so damned hot and so kind and funny? It's the spark in his eye - we women just can't resist the idea of domesticating a sexy bachelor. If only he were human...

So today, at 8AM, my two male kittens, Sherlock and Bartlett, went into the vet to be neutered. I had to sign a consent form that there are sometimes complications from surgery, even resulting in death. I nearly had a heart attack when I read that, even though of course this was very routine. I signed it, and it was so hard to leave them there! They had to have general anesthesia, which worried me, because it's risky for any baby, human or feline. Everything turned out fine, and they are right now walking around my desk.

I put their blankie that they sleep on in their carrier (they hate to be separated, they're brothers from the same litter) as well as a couple of their stuffed mousies. I wrote their names in sharpie on the blanket along with my last name. I suppose this is some version of having kids, because I was a nervous wreck all day.

The instructions from the vet technician were funny - "Make sure they stay warm, and try to keep them resting and not moving around. But they're cats, so they'll do whatever they want to do."

And of course, I tried to put them in their bed. No go, they jumped out. Then I put them on my bed, on their favorite velvet blankie of mine with a heating pad underneath. They wouldn't stay. Then I got into bed with them and the heating pad, and they cuddled up to my neck and fell asleep for a little bit, before Bartlett heard some noise and pounced off.

The sweetest thing was when they came in and went straight over to my mom's cat, Layla. Layla is the perfect cat - her manners are impeccable, she's sweet, kind, highly intelligent, and wonderfully quirky. She gets very annoyed by the little cats, but this time she I am sure could tell they didn't feel well and she kissed them (kitty kiss=rubbing nosies) and then started to lick them both!! It was motherly. :)

The SPCA where we adopted them has been fantastic - their rates for all the vaccinations have been fantastic. Their neutering was part of the initial deposit I paid when I adopted, which was really reasonable. Their next visit in a couple of weeks will involve their last vaccine, as well as a microchip for each kitten.

So, their last round of shots is on December 7 - and then it's Kittens Take Manhattan!!

Every once in a while it feels almost like waking up and I can feel bits and pieces of normalcy and feeling better - almost like missing pieces of myself - coming back. So strange.

Perhaps also such a reflection is due to the amount of anime I've been watching, as well as starting to learn Japanese in earnest and reading about Japanese culture. There is such complexity of emotion and thought in their culture...a civilization that has existed for thousands of years. Asian cultures in general, from Japan to China to Cambodia, India - and Polynesian cultures in general - are so long lived and have so much rich history. The more I read, the more it seems that the Renaissance that we refer to in Western culture during the 1500's forward is more of a break in a stretch of closed thought and bathless times.

It also makes me think about popular culture in our time, in this country...everything is based upon money, and things. Buying more to make you happy...everyone lives alone, sleeps alone...you must move out, live separately, from your friends and family in order to maximize the amount of things that must be bought. Children used to share rooms and beds and toys...no longer. We all have to be on our own, in every way possible. This is assumed to lead to strength, but I believe it's a weakness and a fault in our society that will not have positive outcomes. If everyone is their own little island, then there is no intimacy...I think that's what people in our culture fear more than anything else. Not being self-made, not being self-reliant. No one is self reliant...we all depend upon each other, we all depend upon things as simple as bacteria.

Looking back a year at changes...I guess what I've learned most of is how wrong I've been about a lot of things. A lot of assumptions I make are wrong.

I see the way my kittens can share their food and toys, and the way they sleep together with their little white paws intertwined. They are so happy...I want to be happy that way. But there are so many things I want - books and clothes and shoes and technology. Once I get one thing, I only focus upon the next item. It's so sad - to compete with others, to have the latest thing. It's such a waste, all these resources for clothes that are out of fashion within months, technology that is outdated within weeks sometimes. All to buy the next thing, and throw the old things away. Throw people away.

So many people I know live to buy the next thing. This next thing is supposed to improve their life...but it never does. Money does not make happiness...it doesn't even really make comfort. All the people I know who are working so hard for money to be secure...they only have to work even harder and then harder to maintain their lifestyle. I don't think a newer computer or monitor makes anyone truly happy - it's just something that defers happiness until we reach the next goal, the next thing to own or buy or accomplish. No one searches inside, they only search google - that sounds horribly cliche and trite but it's the truth. People spend hours - my friends spend hours and hours making a living and saving money and looking forward to living later, to living tomorrow, to living a better life years from now so that they will be happy later, so that they can accomplish more later. I think it's a waste and a distraction, wanting to earn so much money. To have goals of earning money and buying things. People miss the most important things in life trying to just earn money.

I don't think a huge fancy house in the "right" town or a fast and flashy car or the latest technology makes any of us happy for more than a few days. I always feel empty after such a purchase. So then we all want to make another, to get something even more opulent and outrageous and to buy more more and better and better. Are people really happy living this way? How can they possibly be happy living this way every day, devoting their lives to working in order to just earn huge amounts of money to buy extravagant things. Everyone's plans to enjoy life are for later on, or they are based around  things that they will buy like another hotter car or a plane or boat or larger house - it's sick, it's really really a sickness. And everyone thinks it's normal and the right thing to do.

I'm all annoyed tonight and angry with the world in general. I'm annoyed about not being able to watch the news on tv or listen to the radio without being bombarded with election news - and the election is a year away. I don't care what any of the candidates are doing right now - they are only bad mouthing each other and building up the campaigns. None of them have put forward a concrete plan for health care, withdrawing/staying in Iraq. Pakistan is falling apart which potentially might have a huge impact upon the world at large.

I'm sort of fed up with people in general. I have some great friends, and I love them dearly. And they are great people. But at the same time, there are so many people who do terrible things - like the politicians who keep on saying we have to "stay the course" in Irag and that we can still win. No organized military force can win against a guerilla force who is fighting in their own country. It never worked for the Romans, it didn't work for Napolean, or Vietnam, and it definitely won't work now. Partially this is why the Americans won the Revolutionary war. They knew the land, and while organized attacks from great generals like Washington made a big difference in the war, skirmishes and smaller battles made up of rag tag Patriots made just as big of a difference in the war. And this is exactly what it is going on in Iraq right now. They're attacked supply vehicles besides just focusing on military troops. Besides their attacks on the US forces, they are also focused on killing each other in so called "sectarian violence" - which in plain English, is civil war, but no news outlet has the balls to say it like it is. A civil war doesn't just have to have two sides - there can be several factions, which is what is going on in Iraq now. I also get so mad when the news media says things like "Radical Islamic Cleric So-and-so" - they are inserting an opinion and it is so annoying. They only need say, "A cleric, Name, who associates with this group, who is aligned with this group, etc" - instead, they characterize the person as "radical" - which they might be, but radial makes it sound like they are against the norm - and the norm quite frankly is made up of people who are fighting a civil war and who want the Americans to leave. They are only radical in that they are against what some people in the US government want and think - they are not radical in their own social sphere or their own country, or even in general. No one has a right to invade another nation without provocation.

Something else that's really pissing me off is how often people do messed up shit and completely get away with it. Our president will never face any consequences, besides those of negative judgments of history books, for what he's done. Probably hundreds of thousands of Iraqis have died because of his poor decisions. Our environment is a mess due to pollution and this administration refuses to acknowledge global warming at all. And it will be my generation who has to somehow in the future set things right and try to keep the ice caps from melting. And the greater public faces consequences for these actions, as well as less industrialized nations who are having huge problems with water sources, climate, etc due to the run off and pollution caused by our huge energy sapping.

I really wonder if such a thing as karma and dharma really in fact exist. I know of many people who have done very bad things, and they face no consequences for their actions. They even try to reason with themselves and others that they haven't done anything wrong. Those who refuse to recognize what they are doing to our planet will say things like, "The evidence wasn't strong enough" or any kind of bs in order to avoid personal responsibility. So many people are completely incapable of taking responsibility for their actions and admitting they have done something wrong.

I've been watching wayyy too much anime lately. Well, if that's possible. I can't wait to start on manga!

While inevitably learning some Japanese, I've also had trouble finding episodes of some series with English subtitles. However, these series are often subtitled in Spanish. While it's not my first language, and I do better in general hearing Spanish rather than reading it, it's been awesome to hear the Japanese dialog and then read the subtitles in Spanish - I think my brain is creating new neural pathways to cope with this. I can actually feel things that at first were really hard (trying to pay attention to the Japanese while reading the Spanish and trying to translate two different languages at the same time) begin to get easier. It also just is completely new - I feel like I'm using parts of my brain I never have before. It feels like when I couldn't do a math problem, and then somehow I learned how to figure it out, and it felt literally like a closed door was opening. Things that at first or for a long time are incomprehensible, suddenly after a huge exposure to them, slowly become understandable.

I wonder how elastic the human brain really is. How much of it can be repaired if damaged? Even if it's one's own neurotransmitters that are not behaving well...even if the brain has never had or produced proper amounts, can it still somehow come to a healthy homeostasis?

Also, my love of Doctor Who seems to grow as I watch episodes over and over again...per the title of this post! :)

Mood: Terrified. Slowly starting to feel a little better. What if it doesn't last?

12 week old Sherlock (nicknamed Souvlaki) decided to look extra cute today so I took the following pics of him nibbling on the wrist-strap from my camera. His brother Bartlett was not interested in sitting around for a spread, so his mag photos will follow once I can get a hand on his adorable squirmy lil bod! Enjoy!

I went to my great aunt's house for dinner tonight, we watched Law & Order. She's really into it, but I'm not fond of serious drama shows like that - I have had enough drama in my life, and when I read or watch any kind of fiction, I've always been more interested in comedies rather than serious dramatic stuff. I mean, I appreciate that the show is awesome and put together brilliantly, the acting is superb, but I would rather watch anime. Which I've been watching a lot of, actually. I love the subtitles, and I'm actually learning a huge amount of Japanese. Plus tons about Japanese culture, which is fascinating.

What's also cool is that you can watch it all streaming, and see the episodes that are new literally hours after they are aired in Japan.

So I have been spending time with my aunt, because my great uncle passed away recently, and I want to be around so she's not alone. After being married for over 60 years, it can't be easy to be alone in the house, also while you're cleaning out clothes to give away. My aunt's so funny - she is donating all his clothes....and every item is washed, pressed, and packaged neatly before it's dropped off. She's the neatest and most organized person I know, but I love that even in a time like this, she is thoughtful - she wouldn't want anyone to receive clothes without them being properly washed and ironed. That is a mindset and level of kindness that is so important and amazing.

So on Law and Order tonight, the episode was about a cop whose husband (who was a cop) had been murdered years before, and their current case tied into her husband's murder. At one point she opened the evidence box which contained her husband's clothes that he was wearing when killed on duty...his uniform shirt. The acting is so good on this show - she got teary, cried into the shirt while smelling it. And I'm sitting in a room with my great aunt whose husband passed away just a few weeks ago. I miss him. Horribly. Lived down the street from me growing up. Always went to him for advice - probably the best man I will ever know. I asked my aunt if I should change the channel - she said no...that won't change anything. I almost started to cry. It's hard to be there without my uncle there....joking...asking about what I'm up to, offering advice coated with a quick mind and dry wit. Seeing the banter of 62 years of love and frustration from their marriage...more than twice my lifetime, full of fights, love, partnership, disagreements, a unified front, troubles and endurance. Mostly love more than anything else, I think. They really really loved each other.

I almost started crying. I miss him so much. It's a huge hole...just everything is different, someone so important is missing. I can't fully believe it still. I have a model for who I want to be and who I should be for the rest of my life. I'm going to try to live up to it...but I just miss him so so much.

There's just so much I would have wanted him to see....my brother's wedding...his great grandaughter coming out of babyhood into toddlerhood, all of us graduating from grad school.

When I was in Israel, I went with my cousin.....just barely a couple of weeks after he passed away. He had been so excited about our trip (his granddaughter). We both left notes to him in the Western Wall. There was no question that we both were writing to him. We knew the other was doing it. If anything could get through...maybe that would. He lived a good, long life. But it still hurts so horribly. There is such a huge empty space in my life now...and it's also in the lives of my family.

So anyway - sometimes seeing something on tv can just bring it all back to hit you full force.

And my kittens are awesome.